on love and hate

Some friends and I saw “Pan’s Labyrinth” this weekend, and, while a dark but beautiful tale, it got me thinking about love and what love is. In the movie, a young girl escapes the horrors of her life during the Spanish Revolution by fantasizing about being the forgotten princess of an underground utopia, yet—because she knows no purity of light—even that “utopia” is peopled with characters of dark purpose and evil deeds.

She knows no one—either in reality or her fantasy—who loves her unconditionally. Her mother requires a “little nurse.” Her stepfather requires her to be silent, forgotten, a shadow. Her friend, the house servant, requires her to keep a secret. Even those fairies and creatures of the underground world require her to complete tasks and prove herself. She can only be loved if she makes the right choices, if she is the perfect little girl that the person she desires love from requires.

Life is often like this, unfortunately. And, I’m not just talking the scary depths of “love” like the violent “you ain’t takin’ my man” crap on “Jerry Springer.” If I’m not the “right” version of femininity for boys, I don’t get to be loved. If you don’t love the Jesus, he won’t love you.

Conditions on love are everywhere.

So, if we follow the rules, we are loved. If we do what you like, what you want, what you think is right or good or appropriate, then we will be loved. And, if we don’t? If we take a different path. If what we want isn’t what you want? Will we be hated? Will we be shot down—in an example of an extreme case—like that Turkish writer whose teenage assasin has no regrets because the writer, in his mind, “tainted” the pure image of Turkey?

Is love merely a reflection of whether my ego matches what yours would choose and hate only the concept that what I feel in my soul disagrees with what you feel in yours?

Are both love and hate merely reflections of our own selfish desires? If you don’t love me, will I still love you, like I claimed? I’d like to think so. I’d try to, but, I’ll admit, it’s hard. No one wants to embrace the cold flesh of a statue. We all want a warm reflection of ourselves, a mirror of our love.

We all want a return on our investment.