A girl’s guide to booty call.
Pay attention boys. You need pointers. You’re always complaining that girls don’t want to just “hook up,” but that’s not true. A girl’s got needs, too. The problem is in your approach and/or your follow-through. So, here’s a short guide to getting some—from a vagina about other vaginas.
1.) The “I triple dog dare you” approach never works. If the first thing out of your mouth (or your fingers, if you’re e-mailing or IMing a girl) is “women who say they just want sex are never real, so prove to me you are,” you’re not getting any ass. Women aren’t men. We don’t have the penis-attached competition chromosome. If we’re looking for sex, we’re not out to PROVE to you we’re looking for sex. We’re not looking to answer a challenge, win the race, take one for the team, become the symbol or boost your ego. And all of that sounds like way too much damn work before we even get to the actual sex part. Start this way, and you’ll never get any.
2.) Don’t send a picture of your penis without prompting. Unless it’s made of chocolate, that’s really not going to get us pumped with the desire to devour instantly. And, such an act has a serious stink of pure desperation, like you’ve been sitting around at the computer masturbating and just waiting to find some random vagina to send that picture to. Acting like a panting, rutting puppy isn’t attractive. We may want to see the penis, but a picture of the mug would be nice first. Thank you.
3.) Talk. If you want to set yourself apart from the 5,000 other men who are ALSO after booty call and possess a willing penis, try charm. Try personality. Try talking about the weather, politics, books, pop culture, life, art, love, insecurities. Tell a joke. Make a comment on today’s fashion. Give an opinion about “American Idol.” It will make you different than the other “I want to, do you” boys. She’ll remember you. And, in a bonus step to getting you some ass, she might not delete you instantly because she thinks you’re a stalker, a rapist, a virgin or just plain frighteningly desperate. Like dating a girl, acting a bit interested but not overwhelmingly so, will go a long, long way to getting you snuggled down in her sheets.
4.) Act interested in more than her boob size. (Again, this is tangentially related to #3.) Ask what she does for a living, what she likes to do in her free time. Even if you don’t remember anything but her boob size, play the game, man. Do the dance. Yes, I know, booty calls aren’t dates in your mind. But, to women, they are “McDates”—tiny little slices of the real thing. And, if you want us to be relaxed and willing, you’re going to have to feign interest beyond the three major sex orifices. In other words: Pretend to like her, moron.
5a.) Get a “look.” If you’re going to the bar looking to get laid, here’s the checklist: bathe; comb your hair; wear deodorant; pick a shirt that BUTTONS and doesn’t have stains, tears or bleach spots; try wearing the “good” jeans you normally reserve for church and weddings or, dare I say it, slacks. Make an effort to appear attractive to the opposite sex—and, if you hear nothing else, please hear this—absolutely, positively NO BALL CAPS. Here’s the simple rule: If you look good, women notice. (Remember, we’re the ones watching those fashion shows on cable TV.) No woman has ever been attracted to a man because of his college team headwear, but a woman has been attracted by a tailored cut of a good suit jacket. Trust me on this.
5b.) The online advice. If a woman requests a photo, don’t send the webshot of you in your P.J.s with that lovely angle that looks up your nose. Be selective in what you send. Try for an attractive, groomed picture and not one that makes you look like you live in your parents’ basement spending your freetime playing “Grand Theft Auto.”
Follow this advice and you will get laid. If you’d like a return event with this woman and a possible semi-regular slot, I suggest not falling into these categories that won’t EVER get you a “come on back now, you hear”:
A.) The “Indy Pit Stop” booty call. You’re in. You’re out. Less than 10 minutes flat. We don’t want to be THIS close to hooker material without actually getting paid, darling.
B.) The “Sorry, I haven’t done this in a long time” booty call. You’re in. You’re shot. You don’t offer to help her once you’re done. You apologize, but it doesn’t occur to you to reciprocate in a way other than “tab a in slot b.” We didn’t look for booty call just to help YOU out. We’d like an orgasm, too. Thank you.
C.) The “I couldn’t make it, but I didn’t call” missed booty call. It’s self explanatory. She won’t be waiting for you again.
D.) The “wow, my girlfriend would never do THAT” booty call. There is a fine line between appreciation and giving us the urge to call your girlfriend and let her know what you are REALLY like and how much you are screwing her over right now. Screaming at us that we’re NOT GIRLFRIEND MATERIAL over and over and over isn’t going to help your bid to return—unless you’re looking to get a ballpeen hammer to the back of the skull.
Follow these, and you might actually have some luck in the field. If you need further advice on the subject, send your questions to: bangbang.girl@yahoo.com. It will be like my little advice column for the sex-starved and the sex-stupid. And, maybe I’ll share a few here online, like a naughty “Dear Abby.”